After attending the Faith in Business retreat 2025, I was inspired to write on the topic of finding, applying and feeling grace when dealing the family court services.
How can grace be applied in the Family Court systems?
Following the recent Faith in Business retreat, which profoundly challenged and inspired it’s participants to focus on exploring the application of Grace in business, I was inspired to consider the application of grace within the Family Court system.
In my experience, having worked in a paralegal capacity, a court coach and McKenzie friend with clients, people often feel that they are trapped, forced and dragged through the court process, as did I. It may feel to them like a continuation of their past trauma or abuse and this may even be what is happening.
Mediation, restorative justice and conflict resolution often won't work, because typically one person has instigated the legal process from a great place of fear and hate with a need to be right. Mediation, restorative justice and conflict resolution can only succeed when both parties are willing to accept that multiple truths can exist simultaneously and so they often fail, even though courts are now insisting that all couples try to resolve the matter out of court before making a hearing. Although this can be devastating and unthinkable to be in a room or a zoom call with an ex that one has only just managed to escape from perhaps from domestic violence. The suggestion of conflict resolution, or mediation can further traumatise the victim and increase their vulnerability.
Participating in court processes is itself torturous, overwhelming with bureaucracy, and with judgement and time theft. Oftentimes what is on the line is children being removed from the primary carer (often the victim), or continued contact with an abusive parent. Piled on top of this, a high percentage of people have neuro diversities such as Dyslexia, ADHD, Autism etc. This can make the bureaucratic process ten times more traumatic. If you haven’t experienced the Family Court System, take yourself along to the publicly available Family Procedure Rules or Practice Directions, that are ‘designed’ to assist people through the process! It’s a joke. Even the most trained legal professional struggles to understand or search for advice. It is akin to reading a stereo manual in Mandarin for a non-speaker.
Many times, an already abused parent who has tried to escape their ex, will struggle with depression through a court process, with high anxiety levels, difficulty in focussing, breathing, speaking without crying. They are living in sheer terror of their children being taken away or abuse continuing. This is why mastering the art of finding Grace in every single challenge and hurt that the experience throws at you is essential to put into practice. This does not mean simply accepting the situation and surrendering it all to God without action. There has to be action in a mandatory legal process, or there are severe consequences. Grace is far more practical and strategic. There are processes to letting go and training practice to be able to take adversarial action with compassion and grace. Especially as legal counsel is often focussed on the fight and right and wrong and winning and losing.
This is why I am so passionately ‘disinterested’ in working in an adversarial position and do not wish to become a lawyer or barrister, because I believe that what is missing from the system is compassion, grace and forgiveness. It may seem counter productive to focus on these qualities during an adversarial process, but I believe and have witnessed first hand, time and time again, how it has brought freedom to people that would otherwise feel oppressed. I have also witnessed miracles, with cases being dropped mid-hearing (almost unheard of in family courts).
However, positive results are not without a lot of prayer and mastery of our mindsets.
I offer digital courses and a book soon to be published, for any litigant’s in the family court. Whether they are litigants in person or have legal counsel, they can use my courses to help them better understand the perplexing process. People need support and if they are willing to put in the daily practice of Grace, they can achieve surprising results and expand their hearts further than they could imagine.
Blame is a cultural foundation for the court process.
How do we find grace and forgiveness with an angry person blaming us for everything they deem wrong or unfair in their life and how do we forgive someone for taking us to court or being a dart board for their hate? When hate and blame are directed on to us, our natural human reaction is to get defensive and blame back in defense.
Matthew 5:44:
“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
Victims are also blaming
So, firstly we need to re educate ourselves on blame culture. My opinion is not a popular one. Society is keen to help ‘victims’ of abuse. This means people need to identify or be identified as victims. A victim’s narrative in its simplest form is, that ‘another person did or is doing something to cause them pain. Therefore, they are a victim of another’s behaviour or actions’.
However heartless it may seem to say, victims are also blaming. I tell my clients that if they want true freedom they must shift the need for the other to be blamed or for ourselves to be validated. In order to accept full accountability and responsibility and to not rely on those things but to shift our emotions to one of freedom and forgiveness. In a blame mentality we are not reliant on God / our internal connection to our source.We are reliant on the other person changing, or for a wrong to be made right, or the past to be erased, in order for us to feel better.
We don’t have to condone bad behaviour to accept it with grace. When we are desperate and in pain, where is our connection to God? Usually, outside of ourselves, we are pleading to God in desperation, “God help me!” “Why have you abandoned me, what have I done to deserve this.” We look for validation and support from lawyers, solicitors, charities, friends, family and unfortunately and oftentimes also from our children.
In the process of seeking validation we are steering ourselves to the inevitable experience of being judged. Whether a litigant is a claimant or respondent, both are judging the other and measuring their validity and truth against each other.
The Truth is…many truths
In the family court process there are two adversarial truths, well actually many truths if you count all the legal professionals, witnesses, extended family members and any children involved. Therefore, the adversarial process is already fraught with conflict in the face of many truths existing simultaneously.
Correlation between Judgement and needing approval
I ask my clients to contemplate what the ultimate goal is from the judgement that their heart desires. It is always the same answer, approval and validation that their truth is correct and righteous. However, in opposition to this they want freedom from being judged. We can’t have any of those things if we seek them externally from others.
I ask my clients if they would be willing to explore where this deep need for approval and validation comes from. When they do, they inevitably discover that this deep need for approval and longing for validation comes from childhood or past experiences stemming before even meeting their adversary and that the feelings of not being enough, of being criticized and judged were there to begin with. These past experiences form our internal critics, abusers and judges, which we first need to become free of in order to change our outer world reflections and experiences.
Approval is given to the self. This is a practice of reprogramming the mind and retraining our nervous system and therefore habitual behaviour or blame. In this complete allowing of ourselves just as we are, with all our feelings and messiness. In so doing we instantly declare to the world that we don’t need external judgement, because we have just validated ourselves completely as perfect human beings. With no measure against other people’s truths, just our own in our own right. We are allowed to own our truths as perfect for us. I have seen miracles happen in the family courts that astonish solicitors, with cases being dropped out of the blue and it always correlates with one litigant having a profound shift within them where they drop all need for approval and therefore judgement from others, because they have allowed God’s love to enter and fully approve of them.
Galatians 1:10:
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
It is at these junctures in life when we are faced with huge challenges, that make us feel as if we don’t have the strength to get up in the morning, which in turn gives us the desperate need to search for a spiritual aid. In this open and willing place, we are given the opportunity to explore and reflect on our situation through concepts like forgiveness and grace. Adversary is often a platform from which we can achieve great enlightenment, seeking divine wisdom when you cannot see the way forward.
Psalm 119:105:
“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.”
Radical Forgiveness as a practice
A Christian I recently met and prayed with, shared that they thought that there was no need for ‘process’, that it was a simple decision to either forgive another or not. I would agree that a decision needs to be made, but that this is often an intention setting. What must follow is profound inner work to reveal the wisdom that our transgressor has given us. In this searching we find meaning and can more easily forgive because we find insights and new strengths to give thanks for. Forgiveness is easier if a victim of abuse can feel that they have somehow benefited from their abuse.
It may seem completely inappropriate to suggest to someone that identifies as a victim of domestic violence, rape or child abuse to focus on forgiveness or that they have benefitted from it. However, I am talking about Radical Forgiveness, as taught by Colin Tipping, which doesn’t condone sin or injustice. It is a practice of freeing ourselves from our past, taking ownership of our experience and to analyse what we have to learn from it to be able to release and move forward. I recommend the practice of radical forgiveness to all my clients and myself as a lifestyle practice.
With grace we can use an adversary as a mirror for analysis of our own failings and flaws that can be improved or changed to improve our experience. More commonly and less traumatically, separating or divorcing parents complain about the other, “he is so stubborn!”, “she is so selfish” etc. In our complaining we are often triggered to react to aspects of the adversary that irk, annoy or outright tick us off! I ask clients to name the elements of the other’s character that bothers them so much - then to ask how they are lacking this quality. For example, if the other’s stubbornness is infuriating or overwhelmingly disempowering, I guarantee that the affected person will have a view of the quality of stubbornness as negative and inflexible. This in turn will mean that that person considers themselves flexible, but inevitably this will be a predominant quality and out of balance. This needs to be measured with a compassionately applied stubbornness that protects our boundaries and creates safety. Overly flexible people tend to be people pleasers and find their boundaries get broken regularly. This example insight is a treasured wisdom that a transgressor can gift us, which we in turn can give thanks for and more easily let go of our need for vengeance or justice., finally relinquishing our pain to God. This is true forgiveness.
Ezekiel 36:26 (NIV):
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
Psalm 147:3 (NIV):
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
It is not an external force that forgives others, it is not a thought or concept. It starts with a willingness to take great courage and vulnerability to open our hearts to even contemplating forgiving another. If we can be brave enough to do this, God's love flows through us healing and washing our trapped pain. You can literally feel trauma leaving your body when you let it in.
Application of grace
How does this relate to applying grace? Well, we can embrace all aspects of the human self, embrace all aspects of life, the ugly and bad with the beautiful and good. We can find treasures in things we don’t like about others and harness those traits that we were previously not comfortable wielding. With measured application, what we once perceived to be negative traits can have an advantage for us. Such as, "Being a little stubborn when needed to, to protect our boundaries. Allowing anger to teach us to put boundaries in place.” The other person's traits that triggered us so easily now have zero power over us, because we can recognise them as prompts and cue cards to be mindful and more balanced and well rounded in ourselves in expressing all aspects of human nature mindfully.
I don’t profess that people can achieve freedom ‘from’ the court process, because it is often a train that is in motion and you have to ride it until it stops. However, you can find freedom ‘with’ the process. You can view it as a training camp for compassion and self awareness. It is a practice of mastery that never stops, you can apply it at any moment. Grace will help you accept what is in front of you, if you remind yourself to ask, “what do I have to learn from this moment?”
Solicitors, barristers and judges serve a greater process and that is to be your mirror, the more you are bothered, upset, depressed, the more wisdom you have to gain if you are willing to search for wisdom and practice grace. So, If you know of anyone that is going through the family courts process, whether it be a friend or a client, you can direct them to the FAMILY FRITH FOUNDATION, which offers courses and free downloads to support those going through the family court process.
Alexandra Sawyer
Founder
FAMILY FRITH FOUNDATION